Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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