Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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