I am puke
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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