i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
