marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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