I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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