ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
