WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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