Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
