Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
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