thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
