Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize