Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Randomize
