hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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