My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
