I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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