How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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