We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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