Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
