I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
