I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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