Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
