You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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