I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
