Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
