The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm like, not good at living.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
