I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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