i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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