I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
