I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
