I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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