Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
