You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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