I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
