im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
