Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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