My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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