It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
