I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize