Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
