seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
