I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize