who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
