If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
