Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
