I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
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