he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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