So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
