Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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