You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Hippo gnu deer
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
