I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
My dad just said "fuck circus"
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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