Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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