Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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