She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
