Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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