a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
