If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
