Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
