I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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