well I can't set my house on fire every night
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
