I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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