Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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